Perhaps one of the hardest things for a person to accept is that he or she cannot control the universe. I know we all understand this intellectually, but emotionally it is very difficult to accept. We plan, we act and we experience the effect of those actions on our lives in a way that suggests cause and effect. The tiny lens through which we view the world drastically magnifies the perceived effect of our actions. And so we grow up believing that we can control the universe.
Think about this. We become frustrated when things don’t go our way. Why? What is frustration? It is the experience of an expectation thwarted. Without an expectation that the world will hew to our wishes and plans, we could not possibly experience frustration. I believe that sadness and anger are variants of this emotion. Sadness adds to frustration the perception that there has been a loss, and anger adds the perception that there has been an injustice. All of these negative emotions are rooted in the illusion that we can control the universe.
But we cannot.
And so, I am coming to believe that the path to happiness is to truly accept that we have no control whatsoever on that which happens outside of us and not to depend on that which we cannot control. Not to depend on the weather. Not to depend on the markets. And not to depend on people. When we need something that we cannot provide to ourselves then our happiness comes to rest on forces entirely beyond our control. If we truly accepted that we have no control, we would have no expectations save for ourselves.
If all of this is true, then the path to happiness lies solely in how we choose to react to that which happens. How we choose to react.
All of the above makes me quite uncomfortable. As I write these words I feel that they are soulless. They feel cold to me. They feel like surrender. And they feel inhuman.
But maybe that is simply because I have not yet accepted my inability to control.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
First, I would argue that we DO have SOME control. Man has absolutely affected the weather (global warming), the markets (2008’s financial collapse), and other people. If you are kind to someone, they will likely act in kind (no pun intended). If you punch that person in the face, you’ll get a different reaction.
Second, Lack of control can be a beautiful thing. Just as there are frustrations, there are also pleasant surprises.
This is a very interesting point. I will have to think about this for a while But for now, just a few quick thoughts.
Influence is not the same as control. Yes, people can exert influence. But not control. Man can effect the weather and the markets. But that is man as a collective, not any individual person. I suppose certain people can exercise tremendous influence. If Warren Buffett dumps all of his shares of a stock it could cause a huge drop in the price of that stock. But that is just a short-term effect. And even in the short-term, he could not fully control how the system around him would adapt and respond to his action.
I think that while the difference between influence and control may be one of quantity when viewed from a logical perspective, it is a much more significant difference of quality when viewed from the psychological perspective. We are subject to never-ending frustration if we take as axiomatic (even implicitly) that we can exert control.
As to your second point, I completely agree. The trick is to accept one’s lack of control and to be open to these pleasant surprises.
Thanks for such a stimulating response!
You make an interesting point regarding influence versus control. I see how these differ in both quantity and quality.
I’m not sure, though, that acceptance is the path to happiness. According to prominent psychologists Taylor and Brown, good mental health is predicated on the existence of positive illusions, one of which is the illusion of control. So, ironically, it’s the depressed and mentally unstable who see the world accurately, while the ignorant (just as the old adage goes) are blissful.
On a side note: To the extent that what I call “SOME control” and what you call “influence” both refer to essentially the same thing, perhaps we agree on that point after all.
Very interesting! One day I hope you will pull back the curtain and we can chat over a beer.
I agree that most people are better off with positive illusions. Without the belief that our lives matter (a proposition to which the universe does not seem to agree), we might all meander along endlessly depressed. And so on. But my point here was that people are not happy with this illusion of control. It leads to an endless series of frustrations.
Maybe I need a better theory. One that distinguishes good illusions from bad ones. For example: illusions that will be frequently pierced are probably bad. They will frustrate you. Illusions that will rarely be disproved (like, my life matters) are good. Not an elegant theory to be sure but maybe there’s the beginning of one in there.
Yes. I completely agree. I use the sharper term to accentuate a psychological distinction though the distinction logically is much smaller.
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