It’s enough! I’ve had it.
Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. I know, you don’t want to deal with another crisis. The topsoil has been eroding as have many of our coastlines. The polar ice cap is melting. Hundreds of species are simply disappearing. And you don’t want another crisis to deal with.
But you have one my friends. Oh yes, you have one.
We are losing our words. They are being sucked into the giant maw of Corporate America never to be seen or heard from again in their original form. They emerge from this giant thresher mangled beyond recognition. Either they are hollowed out and left devoid of any meaning whatsoever or their meaning is transmogrified into something with no resemblance to the original. Either way, it has got to stop.
The final straw for me was the corporate kidnapping of “coaching.” It used to mean training or teaching with no moral judgement applied. If anything, it had a positive connotation. The coach was that nice guy who taught you how to play sports when you were a kid. [Note to all coaches: you failed miserably with me.] Today, I am told that “coaching” has a negative connotation! That’s right, you heard me. A negative connotation. Can you believe that crap? Apparently, in Corporate America, if you require coaching it is because you are unacceptably deficient and require remediation.
Here are two other examples of words that have been stolen in the great corporate lexical heist:
- “Opportunity”: Who doesn’t love an opportunity?! Opportunities are nice. They hold out to you – yes, to you – the prospect of a better world. And really, who doesn’t want a better world? But in Corporateland, “opportunity” means a massive gaping hole or a giant weakness. “Bob has an opportunity to…” means “Bob royally sucks at…” They’ve killed opportunity! But I tell you, if they try and steal motherhood or apple pie we’ve got to rise up! And why have they done such a terrible thing to opportunity? Well I’ll tell you. It’s because in Corporateland, you aren’t allowed to have weaknesses. Weakness is human. Almost as human as actually having body parts in the workplace! In Corporateland, nobody has any weaknesses. They only have “opportunities.”
- “Challenge”: For much of the world this is a good thing. People look forward to a challenge as a way to test their mettle and to learn and grow. But just like our deceased friend “opportunity,” this was unacceptable to the folks that brought you such treats as “incentivize.” In Corporateland, “challenge” means something like “holy shit, a massive disaster is about to unfold!!!” The word might be used if, say, you were a deckhand on a cruiseliner called Titanic. You might say something like “skipper, there’s a challenge I’d like to make you aware of.” Again, you’re not allowed to make the clear point that something bad is happening. Bad? We can’t have that! I know, go pilfer one of those nice words the normal people use and paper over our disaster with that pretty word.
These are just a few examples of the many words that have been lost to us, perhaps forever. And in case you’re wondering, this is not about corporate jargon. That is an entirely different, um, challenge. This is much worse. Not only has Corporate America gotten into the business of creating its own words but their greed knows no bounds. They must steal ours as well!
If we don’t act now, there will be nary any words left for us to say save for “align” and “incent.” Don’t let this happen on your watch!
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